Now I don’t normally do “gig reports” but this week I was privy to playing a gig in a strip club, or should I say “Gentleman’s Club”. So we arrived in Northampton, where the gig was, and were shown into the venue. I must say, not that I visit strip clubs or anything, but this place had a classy feel about it. The images of a dingy basement club were replaced with elegant seating and a big stage with the obvious pole in the middle (I wonder what happens on that!)

We were shown into the dressing room, yes singular, ROOM! Up until now, I really hadn’t realised that a strip club dressing room is ONE big room with loads of little stools in front of long mirrors, picture “Black Swan” but with fake tan everywhere! Now I don’t really like public toilets, or gym changing rooms etc, so how do you think my senses worked here! YEP! I did not want to sit down anywhere. A little walk up and down the isle revealed, make up tissues, f*ck me heels, fake tan pads and at one point I’m sure I saw some chicken fillets with a bowl of fruit to finish off the effect (I don’t wanna know where those bananas might have been!).

Most guys would think that a strippers dressing room would be the most heavenly place to be. UH UH! Not when you see one girl walk in and 30 minutes later she walks out looking like a totally different person, it was like “Stars In Their Eyes”tonight Matthew, I’m going to try and look pretty. I was huddled in the corner afraid of catching something.

The night was a cabaret night, which meant sexy, classy burlesque dancing and also a magician who shared his “magic wand” and a comedian, that’s right, ME! They decided that after watching the seduction of the ladies and magician, everyone was in the need of a jolly ol’ laughter factory. So I walk on to a bunch of drunk guys who want to see more tits and ass, instead they had me for 20 minutes ripping the piss out of them for looking like a boy band in rehab.

Definitely a once in a lifetime experience, as in, I will only be doing that ONCE!